Strong and Stoic are Overrated
Cliché as it may be, this story begins with a breakup. Yes, there are other sources of stress in my life—trying to balance my own education with a stressful career, heavy workload, and family obligations—but it was the breakup that drove me to therapy.
I'd been seeing a guy for about five months. During that time, we navigated a new relationship and dealt with grief after deaths in both our families. During the breakup conversation, he told me that I "lacked emotional honesty." He said that even though I was honest about my actions, I did not communicate my feelings.
In the weeks that followed, I experienced regret, doubt, and sadness. Though I was trying to work through it, I was struggling to let go and grew considerably more anxious and insomniac in the weeks that followed.
I kept returning to that final conversation and asking myself what it meant to be emotionally honest. I knew that I needed to manage the emotions I was experiencing. And I also knew that if I wanted to become a stronger person (and, by proxy, a better romantic partner) I had to practice expressing my emotions in a constructive way, so I decided to go to therapy.
I hate talking about my feelings and I hate emotional conversations, so this was a big deal for me. It also felt like I was admitting to being crazy. There has long been a stigma surrounding mental health issues in the United States. And that stigma seems to be magnified when the person dealing with a mental health issue is a woman. But I needed the help. And even though I knew I wouldn’t enjoy it, I recognized that it was as imperative as exercising regularly or eating a balanced diet.
At first, I tried using the BlueCross BlueShield portal to find a therapist in my area, but there are thousands of psychologists listed in that database. Even though I could filter the results by distance, gender, and/or specialty, I found it overwhelming and unfruitful.
A trusted co-worker suggested I use our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to schedule an appointment.
Most full-time employers offer an Employee Assistance Program, usually as part of a comprehensive benefits package. In most corporate workspaces, EAP information is included with onboarding paperwork and/or featured on one of the flyers posted in the breakroom.
To use my EAP, I called the toll-free number on the stained and faded flyer taped to the refrigerator in our breakroom and completed a brief intake interview over the phone. The interviewer made a note of the issues I was experiencing, explained that my information would be kept confidential, and made me an appointment to see a black, woman therapist the following week. While the initial intake interview was semi-frustrating (seeing as I’d have to retell all my issues to the actual therapist), it was still much easy than scrolling through pages and pages of psychologists on the BlueCross BlueShield portal.
I was both nervous and relieved when I arrived at my first session. I wanted to like the therapist and leave with some tools to help me manage the anxiety I’d been experiencing. But I was also unsure of what to expect.
I knew I’d found a therapist about 30 minutes into the session. She reminded me of a less-religious version of my Aunt Daisy. We talked about the issues that had brought me in, my goals and my background. I left feeling less doubtful about myself and my decisions. I had made it this far, she’d said. I’d recognized I needed help, now I had to do the work to meet my goals.
In my subsequent sessions, we discussed positive self-talk, recognizing anxiousness as a signal from your body, common irrational thoughts, self-image, realistic self-expectations, and more.
I only used four of the five free sessions my EAP provided, but in that time I confronted my feelings of blame and self-doubt. I got better at expressing my emotions, but also came to realize that the end of my relationship was not an indictment of my worth or my character. After all, it takes two to tango. Dr. R seemed pleased with the progress I'd made, reminding me that could always come in for my last covered session if I needed to. I wasn't crazy, she said, just human.
After this experience, I realized how damaging stigmas about therapy and mental health, in general, can be. I'd nearly let fear embarrassment and vulnerability keep me from reaching out. I also realized how difficult, confusing or overwhelming it can be to find a good therapist.
Blame it on what you want—American culture, social media, pride, or passive conditioning—many of us are deeply concerned with the image we present to others and how that image is perceived. We want to be lauded for our successes. We post pictures of our best selves, but seldom share our struggles with those in our social or private circles.
But there is strength in vulnerability and it takes courage to be honest with yourself and others. There is no shame in therapy and there are ways to make the process of finding a good therapist easier.
Though I’ve always prided myself on being strong and stoic, taking life in stride, and not complaining, I’m glad I was smart enough to set aside my ego and seek the help I needed. I urge anyone who is struggling with grief, anxiety, anger, depression, or any other emotional issues to ask if your employer has an EAP.
If they do not, you could also try finding a therapist through your insurance provider or search for a neighborhood clinic with mental health services via the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services—Health Resources and Services Administration website, the National Alliance on Mental Illness website or by calling them toll-free at 1-800-950-6264.
